Disclaimer: The following story is a parody of The Vision of Escaflowne, copyrighted by Sunrise and Emotion. The author means absolutely no disrespect towards the series or creators of this series, since it is one of greatest anime series ever produced. Arigato Gozimasu!
“So do you think we lost them?” Hitomi asked Fan as they continued their escape from the Zaibach troops.
“I don’t know, I think so. Escawormie is pretty fast…” Fan said as he piloted the fabled Guymelgibson Escawormie down the way. Hitomi sighed; this Fan was no Van, not by a long shot. Maybe Allen will be something, you know, useful… then again, it’s not as if things have been normal since she came to this land. She decided to just pray and hope for the best. Too bad the best thing about this place is their ham and cheese on rye.
It was getting dark, so the two decided to make camp. Hitomi decided to go look for firewood while Fan set up. She walked down a woodland trail hoping for a nice, simple, uneventful trip. Of course, this was not meant to be. What was meant to be was that she tripped on a root, and fell flat on her face, which then grabbed the attention of a certain mole-man.
Now, this mole-man wasn’t much different that the mole-man in Escaflowne was, other than the fact a small goldfish was growing out of the left side of his head. The story of this poor goldfish is truly a sad one, and is a testament to how demented the Sorcerers can get when they are particularly drunk. For they thought, as they usually do in a said drunken stupor, that combining the fates of their pet goldfish Blinkie (due to fact that the goldfish liked to blink a lot) and some miscellaneous mole-man they picked up off the street, would just be nifty. And so, they did; though it was not quite the outcome they had intended. You see, the mole-man and the goldfish did not merge into a new being as they had planned, but just ended up having the goldfish grow out of the mole-man’s head. Clearly they could not have such a shameful experiment around, so they just put the mole-man with Blinkie in his head back on the street where they found him, them, er, it. The then went on to create Merlandau. Regardless, the goldfish somehow survived, connected to the mole-man’s life force. But still, the goldfish could not breathe unless it was submerged in water, so it was caught up into eternal torment, unless the mole-man was to die, or when the mole-man would take a shower. It has not been that lucky yet, on both counts. It was however unlucky enough to be with said mole-man as he tripped over yet another root, and fell on top of Hitomi. And as any good-minded Escaflowne freak job trapped in a bizarre dimension would do in such a situation, she screamed her cute little head off. Fan heard the scream and ran off to save her, but someone also heard and was just a tad faster.
“Get up fool!” bellowed a large man as the mole-man soon scurried off, not to infuriate the man. Tales roamed the land far and wide of the woes of other people who crossed his path, and actually survived to tell the tale. More tales roamed about the people who had not. The man stood tall, his shoulders broad, his skin tone dark, made even darker by the lack of light, except for the glittering of his gold chains struck by moonlight. His Mohawk stretched across his head like a mighty chieftain’s headdress. Every word he spoke, every step he took only reinforced the simple fact about him: he was helluva tough. And he assuredly drunk his milk. Daily.
Hitomi quickly got up and scampered off, and ran straight into Fan, the voice of the man putting the Fear of God™ into her, and rightly so. She looked up at Fan, confused as to the voice that scared her so, and she looked forward… and blinked. Then blinked again. That was not Allen Schezar. It was, dear god, it was…
It was Mr. T. And with that thought in mind, Hitomi again fainted. Mr. T looked at Fan, who just shrugged, and replied with, “Hi.” And so time passed till morning, when Hitomi woke up in Mr. T’s youth center.
“U-wha… what happened to me?” Hitomi groaned as she opened her eyes, to see a dozen Merles staring at her from her bed. I think you know what happens next, but I’ll type it out anyway.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhtheresawholeslewofaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhmerelesstairingupatmeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!” she screamed. Fan and Mr. T came rushing in. The Merles then swooped up to Fan, whom he patted each on the head like a good bishounen should. Hitomi finally stopped screaming, she ran out of breath. She then went about her business reclaiming her breath, by gulping large amounts of it into her mouth. She wasn’t looking very cute then, nor was she getting any sort of air, either. Eventually she clamed down and begun to breathe normally, for someone from Detroit, anyway.
“Youse done yet?” Mr. T asked as he poured her a glass of milk, and handed to her to drink, which she did and nodded saying she was done. Mr. T nodded back and replied, “Look, sorry about dem cat girls. When dem Zaibach fools burnt off that King Fan guy’s country, my here youth center got a surge of these girls, drove my other kids crazy and they ran off. But these girls drink dem milk so that’s okay I guess. Oh yeah, I’m Mr. T. Pleased to meet ya.” He finished talking and extended his hand to shake. Hitomi nodded and shook his hand.
“I’m Hitomi. Pleased to meet you as well. Um, doesn’t it get kinda hard with all these… cat girls running around?”
“Naw, not really.” He replied with a grin. “I can handle them. I’m Mr. T. And I got those boys and that crazy fool girl from a week ago and they help out, so it ain’t that bad. Heck, they also came from some other dimension or something, just like Fan said you did, so maybe you know them.” Hitomi just blinked at that, and wondered.
Could they be the real people from Escaflowne, and not this screwed up world? She thought and hoped. “Do you think I could meet them?” she then asked the gold-chained one.
“Sure, no problem. You feel up to it?” He answered, and she nodded. “Okay, they probably be in ma van.” He began as he walked out with Hitomi following. “It was pretty darn startling when they showed up, a big flash of light and everything. They are pretty good guys though, and they drink their milk. They have a habit though of…” He stopped talking as he stepped out of the compound. Hitomi followed, and looked behind her and gasped. The entire youth center was on wheels. But what kind of machine could tow something that large. She had her answer as she looked to where Mr. T was headed. His 1982 GMC Custom Van, except that is was so filled with so much smoke you couldn’t see anything inside of it. And the air smelled funny too. But one thing was for sure, Mr. T was angry. And when Mr. T is angry, the whole world knows, for the earth will shake and the sky will tremble at his might.
“Damn those fools are smoking weed in ma van AGAIN!” Mr. T bellowed as he threw the sliding van door open again, and they both coughed as a huge cloud of smoke hit them and went into the air, spreading joy and stonedness to all. Hitomi suddenly felt a little flighty, but still could not believe her eyes. For in front of her, in of their bishounen glory, was the Gundam Wing boys, all getting stoned out of their pretty boy minds. They were all in the van, separated into three groups, with a large bong in the middle. Duo was over sitting by Heero with his ram around him. Heero did not look all that happy.
“Come on Heeero, take another hiiit.” Duo said as he rested his head on Heero’s shoulder.
“Get the hell of me, Duo.” Heero responded.
“Awwwwwww, come on Heeero, just one more hiiit maaaaaaaan!” Duo then hazily said. He seemed to be thoroughly wasted, trashed, and packaged up to be sent back into outer space he was so high. Heero on the other hand…
“I said, get the hell off of me. Or I’ll kill you.” Heero said.
“Oh shut up about whole ‘I’ll kill you’ crap, all right Heeero? You can’t even kill Relina so I know you won-“ Duo was cut off suddenly as Heero grabbed his throat and rammed him into the van wall.
“Look you wannabe RatTrap, I said I am going to kill her and I WILL, you got that?” Heero said with venom seeping into his words. “Now, unless you want to be next on my list you will GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, OKAY!?!”
“Heero, please. Quatre is asleep.” Trowa said he sat there nearby, expressionlessly running his hand through a sleeping Quatre’s hair, who had his head in Trowa’s lamp. Wu-Fei just grunted who was in his own corner alone, but he doesn’t count anyway. However, Heero decided to stop choking Duo and let him go, who slumped down in a hulk, and then scrambled to the bong, and then triumphantly said:
“The God of Death will get high again! As soon as I get this last toke.” He then inhaled the heady marijuana smoke into him, and he sighed peacefully for a moment before looking grim again. “Damn that Oz, I’ll get them.”
“No you idiot it is Zaibach, not Oz. We are in a different dimension remember?” Heero then said, and sighed, and turned to get some air, at which point he eeped.
Yes folks. Heero Yui eeped. If you saw a pissed-off Mr. T staring down at you, you would eep too. However the other Gundam Wing boys, who has never heard Heero even gasp, let alone eep, just looked at Heero and blinked. Then once they realized why he eeped, they did too. Mr. T just pitied dem fools. You should too.
“What the HELL do you fools think you are doing!?!” the large black badass shouted into the van, making it tremble.
“Umm… Umm… Umm…” The Gundam gang just stammered out, highly embarrassed.
“Umm NOTHING! Now get your sorry skanky fool rears outta my van NOW!” Mr. T then shouted, and they complied faster than if Relina yelled out Heero’s name. Speaking of which…
“Geez, now that they stanked up ma van, now we gotta go to GhettoTown before that whiny girl comes back-“ Mr. T began before the true evil of Gundam Wing reared her little damned head.
“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!” The former Queen of the World called out running to the group, with a flower crown in her hand. Everyone sighed, but no one sighed more than Heero. Relina just ignored them and bounced up and down in front of Heero. “Oh HEEERROO, I made you a flower crown, see? Hee-hee!” She just chirped (read: whined), making a groan come out from Heero’s throat. Again, she seemed not to notice. “Isn’t it pretty?”
“Yeah, sure.” Heero said, almost shyly.
“Can I put it on your head?” Relina gurgled in that way that makes all fan girls scream bloody murder.
“I guess.” Heero replied with a shrug.
“Okay! Thank you HEEEERRROOOOO!” She again chirped (read: screeched) and placed it onto of Heero’s head, surprisingly a perfect fit. The other Gundam Wing boys just chuckled. Quatre then realized that was mean, and made everyone stop. Suddenly a Merle came running up and started scream something very loud and in a very annoying fashion at them. She screamed out, “ZAIBACH IS COMING! WAH!”
Note: Unfortunately, this fanfic has just been recently been acquired by Saban. So the following scenes of everyone dying in a big gory mess and the Merle orgy following had to be cut out due to reasons of excessive violence, bad language, nudity, and adult content. The author was not excepting this to happen and is very sorry, and once he can get changed to another network that actually cares about the programs they show, like Cartoon Network, The Vision of Escawormie project will be put on hold. Thank you for your support!
Another Note: Okay so I’m just lazy. Shut up. 😛