The rare third party anime

I’m sure everyone has head of the rumors flying about how Rare is going third party, which means not only will they be making games for Nintendo’s Gamecube and GameBoy Advance, but also for Sony’s Playstation 2 and Microsoft’s Xbox. These rumors have ignited message boards and chat rooms the world around with loyal Nintendoites frothing at the mouth and Soniests and Gates-spawn cheering over the games they didn’t care about a week ago but now they do because it’s on their system now ha-ha! Well thanks once again to my mazouku l33t ninjitsu skillz (ß link to Slayerz Trashed) I have delved into the British developer’s Manor Park in Twycross and the answers both shocked, and amazed me. Yes, Rare will be in fact going third party. But here’s the thing. They aren’t making third party video games. Oh no, the are making third party anime.

That’s right, you heard me.

Third. Party. Anime.

Just let that sink in for just a moment. … There, feel better? No? Then keep on reading anyway True Believers.

But there it is folks, plain as day and twice as ugly. Well, not really ugly, actually it looks pretty good. Which is why they are making Third Party Anime. Though I guess I best explain what Third Party anime actually is now shouldn’t I?

What Third Party Anime essentially is Rare taking other developers characters and likenesses, and developing Japanese cartoons around that using their ample experience at taking existing properties and making gorgeous and well-playing video games around them, just minus the whole playing bit. This is what my secret orangutan informer had to say:

“Okay, so we pretty much noticed that while our games with characters already made for us sold like hot cakes, the games where we made the characters ourselves sucked in comparison. We still don’t know why, we had a foul-mouthed squirrel who liked to pee on things, and a hot chick with guns, and what else sells?!? Besides apes and monkeys and foxes and super secret spy guys named Bond. So we figured, okay, so we scrap the idea of originality, no one wants that. But we’re always too busy polishing games to perfection for Nintendo that we can’t spend any time working on anyone else’s games. So, we figured, why spend the time polishing and making the games when we take our graphic l33tness and just make huge cut scenes starring other companies’ characters for their systems. That way we can make more money and only a portion of the work! It’s genius man! GENIUS!”

So there it is, so what kind of anime can we expect? Way I figure it, think Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, only forget that mock pretense that it’s really a game. Of course, the last company to realize this was Square, but that’s beside the point. But here were a few examples:

Halo Muyo! – Master Chief has crashed landed onto Halo and now has to deal with more than just Covenants trying to kill him, he has to deal with them being in love with him! Watch the antics of Elite and Hunter as they fight over Master Chief’s love, and the kooky but cute Grunto-oki transforms into the Chibi Warthog for even more fun!

Neo Brainmelter Chrono Kross – Serge’s world has been overrun by the gigantic and monstrous Devils and only he as well as Kid and Harle can pilot the mysterious giant robots known as Trigas and restore peace to the word. But can they do it in time before the Devils destroy Zeal the secret organization that made the Trigas? And what of Serge’s strained relationship with his father, Lynx, as well as everyone else’s deep-rooted insanities and personality problems just to make the story even more conflicted and screwed up than it really should be? And what about the End of Chrono the final movie that Manga Entertainment seems to just sit on and never bring out? Where in the world is Magus?!?

GTA: Great Thrasher Alberto – Ehecchi Alberto has been your normal, average, everyday, nice guy teacher all his life, but the fact is, he’s always wanted to be a hard-core criminal. Stealing cars, dealing drugs, hooking up with prostitutes for extra life-ups, that was the life Alberto wanted. And thanks and old teacher pal him up with an up and coming gang calling themselves the Battle Toads, he finally has his chance.

Xecel Saga – Xecel is a loyal minion of Vector, a corporate colony ship fleet that travels across the galaxy using the U.M.N., or the Uranus Maximus Network. She is fearlessly in love with her lord and master Kosismostest and he well, hates her but she’s free so he doesn’t care much.

Dance Dance Revolutionary Girl Utena – The Ends of the Tune needs to revolutionize dance as we know it, and Utena’s gonna give it to him! Utena is a young spirited 14-year old with dreams of becoming a Lord, for many years ago when she was just a young lass was given a karaoke machine by the mysterious Lord DJ Digas. Will she be able to revolutionize dance, or will she just become another pawn in The Ends of the Tune’s twisted schemes?

Way to go Rare!

(Basil is a humor anime columnist and has been lured to write this in a space of no sleep and no caffeine, and his funniness has ran out just as he finished this blurb.)